The fat chef

This is depressing me. I love to cook, eat at restaurants, watch food tv, read cookbooks, and think about eating and I have a problem. If I see something on a tv show that look delicious I immediately want to make it even if it's not something I would normally include in my diet--buttermilk pie, for example. Or a magazine article in Bon Appetit with a photo of "crack pie", a oatmeal cookie crust cream and butter pie--all sugar, fat, and calories, makes me whip one up to bring to a friend at work who is recovering from surgery. Of course, the next day I make one for a family birthday party and eat a big piece. It's called crack pie because one bite and you can't stop eating it, and trust me it's true. Even fried dishes tempt me, although I would not be inclined to order deep fried food (except at the State Fair of Texas maybe). I saw Anne Burrell making fish and chips once and immediately wanted to make them. I didn't, but I wrote "fish and chips" on my things to make when I'm splurging list. Trouble is, I seem to always be splurging on something and the "healthy" eating I plan to do never lasts long enough. I set out to lose about 30 pounds back in June on my 50 something birthday and even started going to a personal trainer, the lovely Sandra Kidd, who at 53 looks 33, and is very intense about what she does. I meet with her twice and week and she works me hard. My legs and arms look very toned, better than in a very long time in fact. But, my waistline and weight are the same, pretty much. Seems that I will have to really work at this or nothing will happen. Time to get serious with healthy eating or I will not be able to fit into my khaki uniform in October when I go away for a week long conference. Sabotage is always around the corner for me. There's the birthday dinner on September 11, after I spend the day before judging ribs and brisket at a BBQ contest.
I'll be making seafood risotto for dinner and tiramisu cheesecake. Hmm, try to resist that.
Then there's the plan to go to the state fair on September 26. Last time I went I had a Fletcher's corn dog when I got there and one right before I left, not to mention all the things I tried in between. The weekend before I leave for the khaki uniform event is the Fredericksburg Wine and Food Festival. My husband is planning lunch at the Alamo Springs Cafe, home of giant, greasy burgers which also happen to be delicious. This is making me more hopeless the more I write. Did I mention that I am having a bahn mi sandwich for dinner tonight?
I spent several hours today going through my piles of cooking notes, favorite recipes I've created, clippings, and such to find my absolute favorites. I filed away all the fried, dessert, and rich sauced recipes for some time when my waistline doesn't matter--maybe age 80?
In the meantime I will only make these healthy dishes and create only things I really should be eating. What's the point of being a great cook when my cooking is depressing me?